I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
