I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's blow job season.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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