I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
