Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize