You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The Olympian is in my bed
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
