they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize