Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
