Kiss
Puke
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
