my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
