im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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