Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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