it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
