I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
