I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
