Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
