she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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