I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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