I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
