just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
