The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
