somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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