Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
