He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
