the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
