I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
