so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
