Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
