dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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