I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
