Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
