the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
