walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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