Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
