Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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