I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
