just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize