I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
