I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
