Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
