My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
