I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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