My liver just broke up with me...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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