Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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