my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
