Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
