I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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