just come out here and I will go home with you...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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