I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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