the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
