I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
