apparently the secret to your success is patron
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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