Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
