At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
