my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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