I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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