I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
