i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
