called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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