Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
